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About Forgiveness

To be in a healthy and successful love relationship, tools for forgiveness are crucial.

Some years ago, I was writing a column for a newspaper.  At first, I wondered if my column was very helpful to my audience, because I rarely got much feed back.  Much to my surprise, after writing about the necessity of forgiveness, my phone was ringing off the wall. And I was getting tons of angry, hateful emails from my readers.

I could not figure out what I had written that had been so controversial.  In my article, I talked about the necessity to forgive others for mistakes and/or problems they have created for you. I went into much detail about how you could accomplish forgiveness in your life.  It was the general consensus that while my column was usually up-lifting, I was now way off the mark; in fact I was, according to my critics “out of touch” with reality.   Many of the emails I received expressed a belief that I had lived an obviously charmed life. They felt, I certainly would not have the opinions I had, if I had, had to endure the trials and tortures they had been forced to endure in their relationships.  I felt compassion for the endless suffering that people had shared with me that they had been through.  However, my greater concern had more to do with their in-ability or lack of motivation, to even entertain the “concept of forgiveness”.   I discovered through this experience that many people have pre-conceived notions about forgiveness.

What is forgiveness?

It is a process by which you take back your own power, and relinquish the need for vengeance.   How do you go about forgiving?  You acknowledge the hurt and pain that you were subjected to, and nurture your-self. You come to a point where you have gone through and dealt with the emotional impact to you and no longer have the residual pain.  In most cases you may even develop compassion for your offender. You might see them as a wounded person as an example.  What requirements must you have to forgive?  You are not required to love or hate the offender, you may in fact, develop a neutral feeling over time. You must allow yourself to go through this process on your own terms, in your own way. It involves strong desire on your part and a willingness to follow through.  How can forgiveness be useful other than allowing you to restore your inner core?  You can, think about what you learned and use opportunity to grow, and thrive as a more insightful, dimensional human being. And it can actually make your love relationship stronger and more loving in the long run. 

What forgiveness is not.

It is in no way implies that the treatment or behavior that you received was correct, fair, right, or deserved.   Many people think that if they stay angry, get nasty, or feel hurt that somehow they are keeping the offender (their love partner) on the hook. The non-forgiver is under the false impression that their lover will get some kind of satisfaction from knowing that they were forgiven.  Ironically, those who don’t forgive the person or situation that needs the forgiveness, are actually still controlled by that person or situation.

I know a woman that was married for several years to a man that was consistently un-faithful; he was dating, and sleeping with several women during the course of their marriage. She felt that it was her duty as a Christian woman to stand by her man no matter what he did, or how he behaved; she was determined to forgive him, or at least pretend that she forgave him.  Please understand I am not picking on Christian doctrine, she just happened to be Christian.  Her husband gave her venereal disease many times, and broke her heart year after year, and she turned the other cheek, again and again, until he finally left her and their marriage. And now, he cheats on his newest bride, who he incidentally met at the same church that his ex wife attends.  He seems to have an uncanny ability to snag woman that are door mats!  There are many pearls of wisdom that you can derive from this account, I want you to take away the knowledge, that forgiveness does not mean you throw yourself to the wolves or let anyone past, present or future dole out disrespectful behavior and/or actions.  Forgiveness is a very personal process, it is not required that you tell the people or person that you have forgiven them.  It’s good enough that you know it with-in yourself.  

Another misconception about forgiveness is that some people think they should forgive their transgressor, and they are not ready to do so. They want to see the offender fall into a sink hole or come down with a fatal and un-usual tropical disease never seen before in the east coast where the offender resides.  I have mentioned that forgiveness is a process, and it takes time and work to go deep into your inner resources and through all the phases.  Elizabeth Kubler–Ross’s work on the stages of death and dying details the typical stages of death. These same stages can be applied to the process of forgiveness, a quick reference of the stages are as follows:  denial, isolation, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance and hope.  

Some examples of forgiveness in action.

Suppose your husband had a rough day at work and was very short tempered and rude to you when you asked him a question.  Later he may have apologized to you.  So you forgive him.  That’s understandable as long as his reaction is not a usual reaction.  Years ago, your husband may have slept with your best friend; this of course, requires a higher level of forgiveness. You may have been angry, hurt and wanted to be vindictive. You may have decided to go into counseling, and were able to forgive his actions.

Are there crimes or hurts that you would not forgive? Why would this make a difference?

Another consideration when talking about forgiveness is why should you forgive? Digressing for a moment or more, in my article, the one that brought me to this writing, I wrote that not forgiving keeps you a prisoner of the offender.  Every time you think of the person, you go over the event mentally.  You are re-living the event.   Thoughts of the offender have taken you from constructive to something that is not going to enhance your life at all.  I remember once going to a singles dinner and the woman who started the group was in the midst of a divorce, and she was reeling with anger at her ex husband as well as men as a group.  She said she wanted to meet a nice guy, but her attitude at that time would have precluded that from every happening.  She was not going to forgive her husband and called him every curse word imaginable and some you couldn’t imagine!  The point was that until she comes to terms with him she will not attract a healthy man into her life.  Her anger and pain will hold her back.  At that time, she not only was not going to forgive her soon to be ex husband, she would hurt any man that so much as looked at her funny! Perhaps, she has forgiven her husband now, for her sake, and any man that comes into contact with her, I hope that she has forgiven her ex husband.  The effect of all of the often harsh difficult emotions that come with life’s hurts play havoc on the body. Your feelings will always be expressed in your body.  There are those that think if they shut down or go through the motions that they have let go or forgiven offenders. They may fool their minds but, the body has a long memory, and little tolerance for nonsense.  When you are stressed due to being hurt in some way your emotions will turn to the chemicals in the body, and in time, this will lower your immune system. Anger and lack of forgiveness can literally make you sick!

What are some of the excuses people make not to forgive?

Most of the angry words expressed in the letters to me, stated that I had, had a charmed life, what did I know about forgiveness? This intrigued me for several reasons.  Many of my readers at the time may have been making wrong assumptions about me.   Perhaps I am the type of person that could write volumes of books on the horrendous life I have had, etc.  However, the truth of the matter is that my life experiences have little to nothing to do with the reality that forgiveness is tremendously powerful.  And ultimately is loving thing to do for your self.  Those of you that want to remain a victim or compare battle stories will only hurt your-self in the long run.  If you are looking for examples of people that have forgiven the most worthless perpetrators you can either look around you at the common folk or take a gander through the pages of history.  I was watching a program on television about a women whose son was brutally murdered by a punk kid high on drugs.  She confronted the boy after he was convicted of murdering her son, he cried and apologized and asked for her forgiveness.  She not only forgave the boy who killed her son, to this day she stays in contact with him.  Her friends and other’s thought she was out of her mind for forgiving the boy and not pushing for the death penalty. She said it was her religious belief that she forgive. She said that it was bad enough that her son was taken from her; she did not see two families losing their sons as being a viable solution.  Her forgiveness has touched many people’s lives in beautiful and profound ways. In history, the holocaust survivor Victor Frankl went onto to create the humanistic/transpersonal movement in psychology.  The premise of this important psychological theory is that all people are basically good.  It’s hard to believe that a man that lost his entire family and was a survivor of the most brutal camps could conceive of such a concept.  He could not have contributed in such a profound way if he had not forgiven his tormentors.  Where did such he get such strength and self-love?  He had to have done extensive internal work to get to this elevated state of thinking.  Perhaps, this literary effort can assist you to go beyond your current thinking in regard to the concept of forgiveness.

Some questions for you to review.

1. Do you tend to hold onto your feelings? if yes, describe.
2. Are the main people in your life pretty open about their feelings? Explain.
3. Would you like to see some changes in this? Describe.
4. Were you raised in a family that held grudges? Describe.
5. Do you hold grudges? If yes, how does it make you feel to hold onto the grudge?
6. Have you ever been aware of someone holding a grudge against you? Describe.
7. Do you think that you have to be perfect? if yes, describe
8. Do you find it hard to forgive your-self? If yes, give examples
9. Do you forgive other people easier than you forgive yourself?
10. Does your faith tell you how to handle the issue of forgiveness? If yes, describe
11. If you don’t adhere to specific religious doctrine, what do you believe is the best way to handle forgiveness. Why?
12. In either case, having a specific religious doctrine to adhere to or a philosophical base, do you put into effect the teachings and your beliefs in regard to forgiveness?
13. Do you find it difficult to apologize?
14. How do you typically apologize?
15. How do you usually feel when it is all over?
16. How do you accept apologies when you get them?
17. When someone hurts you, do you try to hurt them back? if no, have you ever been that type of person?
18. Has anyone to your knowledge gone out of there way to hurt you?
19. What is the most recent thing that you did that hurt someone?
20. Did you apologize? If not, why not?
21. What was the most recent thing someone did that hurt you?
22. Did they apologize? If yes, how did you feel about it when it was over?
23. Will you continue to have the person in your life if they did not apologize to you. Describe.
24. Do you have many friends? If not, do you have some close friends?
25. Do you find it easy to forgive your friends?
26. Are they forgiving of you?
27. Have you ever had a friend ship break up because you or your friend could not forgive one another? If yes, what happened?
28. Are you generally a forgiving person?
29. Are there any things that you would not forgive?
30. Have you become more or less tolerant over the years of what you would and would not forgive? Describe in detail.
31. Do you believe in turning the other cheek? If you do not, how do you go about forgiving people?
32. Do you tend to forgive more, than you are forgiven?
33. What does the concept of forgiveness mean to you?
34. Have you ever been forgiven when you felt you didn’t deserve to be? If yes, describe
35. Have you ever forgiven someone when others said they didn’t deserve your forgiveness? What transpired?
36. Do you think that females are more forgiving than males?
37. Do you think that there are certain cultures or races that are more forgiving than others? Describe.
38. Do you think that there are certain places in the world that are more forgiving than others?
39. Have you ever pretended to be sorry about something you were not really sorry for? If yes, what happened?
40. Did you ever feel that someone apologized to you but they weren’t sincere? What happened?
41. How did it make you feel? Would you have handled it any differently knowing what you know now? Why?
42. Have you ever plotted to get revenge against anyone?
43. Is this typical behavior for you?
44. If you have plotted and gone through with your plans for revenge was it everything you thought it would be? Describe.
45. Did you view yourself in the same way afterwards?
46. Are you more or less forgiving of someone that you love? Be specific.
47. If you are now, or have been in the past, had a serious love relationship, how do you, or did you handle the issue of forgiveness?
48. Would you like to see any changes in regard to how you handle forgiveness in your love relationship? Be specific
49. What are you willing to do to make the changes you would like to have?
50. Are you a relatively easy going person?
51. What types of things offend you? Describe in detail.
52. Do you let people know what offends you? If yes, how?
53. Do you like people to let you know what types of things offend them?
54. Do you think the criminal justice system is to forgiving of criminals in most societies? If yes, why?
55. Do you think that the criminal justice system is to hard on criminals, and should be more forgiving? Why? Are there certain crimes that you think are more forgivable than other’s? Describe.

Theme questions

1. Do you think there is a connection between the senseless acts of violence In schools and children not being taught more about tolerance and forgiveness at home.
2. Why did you take the position you took in the question #1?
3. How could we teach children in the schools more about issues of forgiveness in school? (Assuming you think they should be taught this in school).
4. If you don’t think this is an issue that should be taught in school, explain your position.
5. Have you ever been so upset or angry at something someone did to you that you made yourself sick? If yes, describe.
6. Even if you have not had this experience do you think it’s possible that your health could be adversely effected by your anger, hurt or upset with another human being? If yes, be specific.
7. Do you think that your higher power is forgiving? Describe.
8. Do you ever worry that in the here after you will have to pay for what you have done wrong to other’s?
9. Are you sometimes troubled by guilty feelings? Why?
10. Do you believe that God or your higher power will take care of those people that hurt you? If, yes describe.

Action Plan

Carefully examine your responses to all of the questions; you may very well surprise your-self.  On a sheet of paper write across the top of the page, write in the categories, like the person who offended you, the date or year,  describe the event, and so forth, and of course fill in each section. Use whatever method makes it easiest for you.   Write down the person or people that have hurt you or injured you in a substantial way; be very specific about what they did to you. Record everything that you can remember about the incident or theme that went along with the pain that was caused you. Take your time with this exercise.  It is important to give very complete details about what was done to you, add other categories, if you find it helpful, like how  the person came  into your life, the details of what happened, if this was a one time thing or a theme.  Perhaps, you will find the dates or year meaningful.  How did the relationship develop? How do you feel about the person or people now? Have you expressed to them how you feel about what they did to you? Have you told other people about what was done to you? How has the pain or hurt from the person or people impacted on your life? What have you learned? Would you do anything differently knowing what you know now? Why? Do you recall from each person or incident having felt like they made you feel ever before (prior to that person) or people? If yes, describe. How do you typically handle your pain, hurt, anger, disappointment and un-comfortable feelings? Are you satisfied with the way you handle your feelings or would you like to make a change in your approach? If, yes, what will the changes look like? When will you make them? Are you holding onto any resentment right now? ( as they relate to things that were done to you).

Be specific. Do you think you may have had any part in what was wrongfully done to you? If yes, describe. Please understand that I am in no way suggesting that you were responsible for what was done to you.  An example is if you had heard from other sources that the person that hurt was notorious for behaving inappropriately and you gave them card blanche, even when you were warned, it could be that you need to pay attention to your own intuition. 

You have taken some very important steps toward forgiveness, you have been attending to all the feelings that must be acknowledged before you can even begin to let go of the hard feelings.  Be especially loving and sensitive to yourself as you go through this process. Allow yourself to feel everything that you are feeling.  Also include your self in the list of people that you need to forgive; you can be on the top of the list.  Next part of this journey is prayer and/or meditation. Ask God and/or your higher power or highest self to find the right ways and words to express the forgiveness you want to give. Ask for healing and resolution.  Daily meditations and quiet time are vital. Some people find that writing and repeating affirmations, positive up-lifting statements that you want to create in your life are helpful. Others nay find that walking outside daily and/or bringing nature into your home via fresh flowers or plants, are useful to the process as well. Also, do your best to have happy, supportive people around you.   Some people find that creative endeavors draws them closer to healing.  Maybe writing poetry or a physical activity like tai chi will assist you in the process of forgiveness and healing.  This personal process, which is not subject to anyone’s approval, or input.  Although, if you have been in therapy, you may want to bring this project and share your activities with your health care provider.  The methods I have shared with you are not meant to re-place any type of therapy.   What generally helps the body? Exercise, good nutritional habits, bathing well.   Making love, in the context of a loving relationship, and energy work done with a competent therapist with character and integrity, sleeping at least 7 hours every day, and address any stress issues will help you attain you goal of healing and forgiveness.  All of these things I’ve mentioned can work together to bring you to the place within yourself when you will  know that you have forgiven all that you need to forgive. You may feel that the burden of forgiving and extending forgiveness has been lifted!

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